Not everything is sunshine and flowers

My blog posts tend to be tales of adventures across Europe or of fabulous weekend trips or activities, but lest you think that life over here is that simple, here's a bit of what's been going on in my head lately.

I have not been sleeping well the last few weeks. I have a lot of things on my mind. Some are too personal or not well-formed to write on my blog, but the ones that I can articulate are:

• I'm not motivated at work and this is causing me to not perform well and to not care, a dangerous combination
• I'm considering the ever-present possibility of a career change into the wine industry, but the considerations of decreased stability, income and lack of a guaranteed fit for me personally are what have kept me away thus far and remain questions in my mind.
• I want to buy a house/flat, or at least I think I do. I feel that I should, that I'm able to, that it's the right time, but I don't *really* want to. I wonder if I ever will.
• I regret that I'm not fluent in French. This has always been a frustration of mine.
• I am officially reconsidering the MBA route, after discounting it less and less over recent years. This alone causes me anxiety about months to come of GMAT studying, applying, and then, oh yeah, attending the school itself and being back in debt again.
• I want to be flexible, and I am. No one is dependent on me...but I'm not sure how much my work permit/visa situation might get in the way of any of my plans. I'm not quite ready to be back in the States.
• I am happy with the friends I have made here in London, but do miss sharing deep connections with people, whether romantic or friendship. These seem harder and harder to find. I am as social as I can be here, so I wonder if the problem is me?
• I procrastinate on things that I didn't use to...I long to be that girl in high school who would spend hours reorganising her room or reading on the bed. Now I have bills and mail in piles, and it annoys me that they don't just disappear.
• I think I distract myself from dealing with my problems by simply booking more holidays. All of which contribute to...
• I'm sick with another cold, which is really a result of the lack of sleep and the personal stress. None of this helps.
• And I continue to strugge with the deep disappointment I feel when others don't follow through on commitments, large and small.

Tonight, I've taken an Ambien provided by a friend to help me sleep, but I'm not convinved that meds will solve all of this. Maybe time, medidation, prayer, a break outside my life, a life coach to help me prioritise, I'm not sure. Everything used to make so much sense, and now, I don't want to commit to anything for fear that it's the wrong course. I need to be on board first, but am treading water day after day amongst all these decisions.