Goodbye Papa

On 31 August 2008 my Grandfather, Victor Nikols, passed away in a hospital in Los Angeles. He was 85 years old and had been fighting lung cancer since January, but in the end, his body generally failed on him and he couldn't get enough oxygen. His nurse who had been caring for him while in hospice said that he wasn't in any pain, and repeatedly turned down offers for pain medication. My grandmother had been visiting him every day, and both of his children, my mother and my Uncle Don had been visiting him at least once a week for the past few months. I was able to spend time with him in the hospital when I visited California in May and even though he tired quickly, he was his usual self, complaining about the staff and hospital food and joking with me about when I will give him grandchildren.

This is a picture of us in September 2006 at a family party a few days before I left the US to move to the UK.

I grew up calling him Papa, and knew him to be a man of faith, a man of deep love and respect for his family, and someone who could fill your ears for hours with his stories and opinions. (Being opinionated is indeed a genetic trait!) He worked part-time up through last year, a testament to his intellect and a desire to stay active. I always knew him as a golfer, as someone who would do the dishes when my grandmother cooked, as a morning person who was generally up at 5-something in the morning to read the paper and work on the daily crossword puzzle, and most importantly to me, as someone who took an interest in my life and my achievements and always supported my decisions and my dreams.

A few recent memories that I will always hold dear are that he would check the weather report every day to see what kind of weather I was enjoying, or not enjoying, in London. He also would read this blog, and my family members printed out my entries to take them to the hospital for him to keep up with my life.

When I moved across the world, I realised that the distance and travel logistics would increase my chance of having each time I saw any of my grandparents be the last time. At home in May, I particularly knew that to be the case for my grandfather. We and he knew that this was his time, and now that he's gone, it's not that I'm sad for him, I'm just feeling the pain of loss for myself and the rest of my family.

I don't plan on going home, as a funeral is not planned. My parents will be out to see me in the UK in 4 weeks and I will be able to see my grandmother in California at the end of October. I talked to everyone yesterday, and I had a quiet night in watching a movie and cooking dinner with Maneesh visiting from San Francisco, and James, who came over when he heard the news. I also already have today off as vacation, so I don't have to face work until Tuesday.

I am happy that Papa was able to live such a long life, to see his children and grandchildren grow up, to know that we all loved him and that we will all be here for each other now that he's gone. I have a close family, and Papa, you will be missed dearly.